by Guest | Feb 3, 2017 | Being Well
By Emily Fanjoy, Safer Futures Project Coordinator, Tillamook County Women’s Resource Center, emily@tcwrc.net
February is focused on healthy teen relationships to prevent Teen Dating Violence. Parents, educators, coaches, medical providers, church and community groups, and teens themselves can all have a positive impact on reducing teen dating violence when they educate themselves about the dynamics of healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. For adults in particular, talking about healthy relationships can be daunting because, in spite of years of experience, most of us do not see ourselves as relationship experts. To set you up for success, below is important information about teen dating violence, prevalence and health effects, as well as resources that can help you talk with adolescents, friends, and family members.
Teen dating violence is far more common than you might think. It’s important to note that it occurs in both same-sex and opposite-sex couples, and any gender can choose abusive behavior. The CDC reports that approximately one in 10 high school students has experienced physical violence from a dating partner in the past year and one in 4 adolescents reports verbal, emotional, physical or sexual dating violence each year. In every class of 20 students in our local middle and high schools, 2-5 students are being affected by teen dating violence, like being a teen isn’t hard enough?
Teen dating violence is a pattern of power and control behaviors used by one partner to gain and maintain control over the other partner. The behaviors are selective, intentional, and generally increase in severity over time. The tactics may include name calling, extreme jealousy, isolation, pressure and coercion, constant texting and monitoring, reproductive coercion, and physical and sexual abuse. Violent behavior often begins between 6th and 12th grade, and 72% of 13 and 14-year-olds are “dating”. Teen dating violence has profound social, emotional, and health consequences for individuals suffering abuse. Teen dating violence starts early and can last a lifetime.
Here’s the thing, lots of adults talk to their kids about sex, drugs, and alcohol. While these are important topics, it’s equally important to talk to them about healthy relationships. Why? Because violent relationships in adolescence puts victims at higher risk for substance abuse. Physically or sexually abused teens are 6 times more likely to become pregnant and twice as likely to contract an STI. Relationships affect health not just in terms of substance use and reproductive health. Anxiety, depression, and eating disorders are all potential outcomes of abusive relationships. Half of youth who are victimized by dating violence and rape attempt suicide. It is imperative that we talk to youth about healthy relationships.
You can make a difference, and you’ve got resources. An excellent website for adolescents and supporting adults alike is loveisrespect.org. This comprehensive resource offers information on how to get help for yourself or others. It talks about dating basics, defines abuse, and gives tools to work on healthy relationships. Additional resources can be found at thatsnotcool.com and futureswithoutviolence.org. Locally, contact Tillamook County Women’s Resource Center to learn more or request a speaker, 503-842-8294.
by Guest | Jul 5, 2016 | Being Well
By Nathan Rogers
I am what most would consider a kind person — reasonable and compassionate. Some might even say I am caring. I have the privilege of getting to go to work and serve vets every day whether it be a simple conversation over the phone, a face to face meeting in my office, or the rare honor of being trusted in their home. I hate to say it that even in my capacity I have been prone to allowing stigma and stereotypes at times steer my thought process and opinions. These thoughts were especially prevalent when considering the homeless community.
You have all seen them. They are out there with their signs. Some read “will work for food,” ”hungry need help,” “can you spare a few dollars…car broke down.” I used to be that guy thinking to myself that they must have done something bad to end up in their current situation. Perhaps they had a drug addiction. Maybe they had a drinking problem? Perhaps they were the “weak, lame, and lazy” just not wanting to get a job. For some reason, karma was dealing them this hand. You need only hear their story and really listen to change your heart and your mind.
It wasn’t any particular manner of special day in January, perhaps a little warmer than usual but not anything you would expect to change your life. I was heading to Lincoln City to meet with a good friend and his group of vets and talk about the company I work for and the program we provide. I was excited and irritated at the same time because traffic was difficult and I was being inconvenienced by slow moving vehicles. As I moved through Lincoln City, I caught a brief glimpse of a shopping cart flying both an Army and an American Flag…I instantly knew that had to be a veteran. As per my usual I veered over to investigate and see if he/she was okay. As I pulled up there was a veteran sleeping in a sleeping bag on a tarp in just the perfect dry spot with a bit of sun. I departed with the intent to return with some food and quietly leave it by him. Little did I know this was going to be a chance encounter that would completely change my paradigm of thought and bolster my passion for what I do.
I had gotten a meager meal for him, a bag of McDonald’s cheeseburgers and chicken sandwiches. As I pulled back around the building he was up and had all of his gear already stored in his ruck sack and placed neatly in his cart. I rolled down my window and offered him the bag of food, and not only did he take it but insisted I sit and stay for a bit. I parked my car and after a firm handshake, he introduced himself as Jeffrey. His hair was neatly combed, he was physically fit, and surprisingly well-spoken. He thanked me for the food and insisted I “break meal with him as a brother”.
We began to talk and he told me he had been an infantry officer in the Gulf War and had the rank of Captain. He had gone to an Ivy League school for Political and Military Science and had a Master’s degree. He told me how he used to be in senior management at a lumber distributor. He told me he missed his wife and children…he wondered what they looked like now and if they still thought of him. His infectious laughter and smile dwindled into a stoic and contemplative face. A long silence passed. He mused about old buddies and his “better” military days…he wished he could go back to something that made sense.
Jeffrey became quiet and his eyes welled up. He said “I have not always been like this you know, but life has a way of humbling you and bringing you back to Earth”…”The divorce came out of left field; I thought we were happy”. He told me how he started dreaming about a close friend he had lost in the military and it had drove him to drink. “Losing a friend is sad,” he said “Losing a brother…that will change your life.” He blamed himself for not “being there.” Jeffrey had not only lost a close friend to PTSD related suicide but also discovered the body of his friend…he never got over it. The trauma drove his drinking, his bad dreams, and created a gradual rift in his marriage. He said at first he fought with his wife of 19 years, then he didn’t care, then he ceased to exist to his family altogether as he crawled into the bottle and escaped into depression and defeatism. The last thing he told me was “I signed the papers and gave them everything…they were better off without me.” Now he lives on the street so he can be left alone and so he can leave others alone.
“Well I gotta be going,” Jeffrey said as he hurriedly departed. I was curious about this pressing engagement causing the need of a hasty evac but in the interest of intuition I left him to his business. No sooner had he come into my life than he departed. It was the strangest thing. He simply gathered his things, shook my hand, and left. There I sat, my perception of the homeless completely shattered. Here was someone that had it all, a family, an education, and a lucrative job — torn asunder by his PTSD and bad memories. It wasn’t Karma, he wasn’t evil, he wasn’t weak, lame, or lazy … life just happened. He wasn’t asking for a handout or a hand up, nor did he demand my respect or approval. To this day, I can see his face and hear his story ring out in my head. Perhaps you have had the idea that a homeless shelter will drive down your property value or “they” might inconvenience you. Maybe you have quietly thought “not in my backyard”. Just remember they are people, and just like you they have a story. Take a minute to listen, it could change your mind maybe even your heart. Until then may you stay blessed and Semper Fidelis.
by Guest | Jun 23, 2016 | Being Well
By Dr. Rea Scovill
When you try to find peace as you go through your days, there’s a simple way to approach your overwhelmed self. Think about how you’d care for a young child who felt the way you do. When a small child cries with frustration, hurt or disappointment, here are a few things a parent must do: comfort him by expressing sadness for how he feels (“I’m sorry you feel so bad”); respect his right to feel as he does (it’s okay to be upset); guide him to break away from the situation in some way “let’s go over here and feed the ducks some bread”); and once he’s calm, help him to review the situation for how he could cope with it better the next time (“next time what could you try that might work better?”)
People say you have to love yourself first before you can love anyone else. How about saying instead that you have to know how to take care of yourself first? It’s easier to define what that would look like. If you’ve worked hard on a project but kept running into problems, you probably won’t throw things across the room. But you may feel like it. If you‘ve looked forward to meeting up with a friend and she cancels at the last minute, you probably won’t cry. But you may feel let down and disappointed, even if you understand why she couldn’t come. Dale Carnegie said that, “The deepest principle of human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” If you deserve recognition, but don’t get it too many times, it’s human to feel very deeply hurt. When you have these reactions, you’re not weak, you’re just human.
For your own times of frustration, disappointment or hurt, take the same approach a wise parent would take with a child. Employ your Executive Brain to comfort your child-self like this: “Of course you feel bad; anyone would. Sometimes there’s just too much to handle. Let’s take a little walk and clear our head. Then maybe we can figure out what to do next.” Check yourself for these feelings often to manage your inner child with its Monkey and Crocodile fight-or-flight tendencies. If you try to “tough it out” by scolding yourself for these human feelings, they’ll build up and eventually overwhelm your wise and comforting Executive Brain.
When you can thoughtfully review what happened and plan for how to cope better the next time, you improve your sense of confidence and feelings of worth. If you blame yourself, you’ll feel more hurt and alone with your problems, just like a crying child who’s scolded for expressing her feelings. Because we have our human brain, when we’re frustrated we must accept and comfort ourselves for our natural feelings, then rest a little, to prepare our brains for learning from the situation. In this way our mental fitness grows stronger to help us get less upset over the next potholes on our journey.
by Guest | May 30, 2016 | Being Well, Work Well
By Rea Anne Scovill, Ph.D.
When is mental fitness most crucial? When we tackle parenting. Let’s consider it as applied for this. In the olden days parents were often advised to count to ten before they responded to their kids. That was brilliant! It often allowed time for their Executive Brain (EB) to engage and calm their over-reactive Monkey Brain (MB). The EB could remind the MB that a child’s behavior isn’t life threatening (for parent or child) unless s/he’s running in front of a car. If s/he sasses a parent, spills milk at the table again, refuses to do homework or hits another child, calm responses work better. A parent’s MB may chant that another careless or defiant incident is intolerable, but that’s not true.
Parents can and must tolerate lots of these as they help each child manage without a fully developed EB. Our brains develop gradually, continuing the process until we’re at least twenty-five. Another old saying is that kids learn more by what you do than by what you say. That may be the main reason parenting is so tough. If no one’s shown you how to lead with your EB for yourself, how can you do it for your kids?
You can begin here with the FORMULA for how to develop mental fitness. F is for Focus; focus inward with your Executive Brain, and O, Observe what the Monkey Brain is saying in case this needs to be R, Revised. M is for doing this Monitoring continually to Maintain your Executive Brain’s leadership. U is for Using feedback from your body (tensing, increased heart rate or temperature, stomach tightness, etc.) to note when your Crocodile Brain (CB) has begun to trigger fight-or-flight. Doing this can give your EB a warning that it will soon get overwhelmed with MB chatter if it doesn’t step in to correct it.
L is for Lightening your Inner Child’s heart by providing for yourself things you enjoy doing, that calm and support you, frequently. Take a break to visit, meditate, read for fun, shop or have a restoring snack. This skill is required for demonstrating to, not just telling your MB and CB that fight-or-flight is really not needed. It’s not selfish pampering. Your kids need your self-care example, deeper calm and guidance from your recharged Executive Brain. A is for Applying this FORMULA process continually when alone or relating to others for building your mental fitness. You can learn more through resources recommended in the coming months, like workshops, videos, books, and speakers featured by YOW at www.tillamookcountyhealthmatters.com/events and at my website, www.mentalfitnessformula.com.
Our next article will focus on overall good self-care. In addition to managing the MB and CB, your Executive Brain must also Focus on and Observe the outer world. Fight-or-flight responses are created by the mind through the body. Your EB needs both to be well-tuned to keep you functioning effectively and without feeling stressed when you cope with life.
by Guest | May 18, 2016 | Being Well
By Rea Anne Scovill, Ph.D.
Last week I described how our brains prepare our bodies to fight or flee, when the problem can’t be solved that way. When dealing with another person, unless they’re brandishing a knife or pointing a gun at us, these wired-in responses just get in the way. One trigger is when we encounter people whose behavior differs from what the dominant group around us finds acceptable. We can feel embarrassed ourselves or shun and even bully others when our groups’ behavioral expectations aren’t met. Media reports blast us with news of violent fight-or-flight reactions when people refuse to accept cultural, gender-related and other differences between groups. These occur when mental fitness has broken down among large groups of people.
How can our Executive Brain (EB) prevent us from getting into these wired-in, no-longer helpful reactions when we encounter people with behavior that disturbs us? Our EB must step in quickly to stop the chemistry of fight-or-flight from flooding it. Only then can it lead us to choose our best response. Our EB needs the chance to evaluate all relevant information carefully, with the open mind of a scientist, before it makes its choices. When we can maintain this EB capacity to approach new people and experiences with our EB fully in charge, we’re well on the road to mental fitness.
Scientists offer the EB a shortcut when they identify a trait as opposed to a person’s state of mind. We understand that traits like intelligence (IQ) or height are wired-in and resistant to change. There are also personality traits that involve behavior that is resistance to change. When someone’s in a state (of mind), upset, calm, etc., they’re better able to control and change their behavior. Before we’re critical of someone’s behavior (impulsivity, absent-mindedness, emotional reactivity) we need to consider that it may reflect a trait and be harder for them to change, than it would be for us. Our mentally fit EB will also recognize that even behavior that’s not wired-in, like cultural differences, must be respected for positive relationships. Judging and shunning or bullying are variations of fight-or-flight which reflect inadequate EB self-management.
One example of a trait is defined in Sensitive: The Untold Story, a video you can see this Saturday. It’s also available through Elaine Aron’s website, www.hsperson.com , along with a self-test you can take. Since 1996, through her book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, Aron has provided comforting and helpful information about this “HSP” trait, now called sensory processing sensitivity. If you (or someone you love) struggle with anxiety (including social anxiety) or depression, feel like you don’t fit in, or feel stressed out a lot, you should check it out. You’ll also discover that HSPs are conscientious, very compassionate, appreciative of beauty and creative. As an HSP herself, Elaine Aron developed this video to help people around the world recognize and work better with HSPs’ weaknesses in order to support fuller expression of their strengths, which she believes our troubled world needs.
by Guest | May 18, 2016 | Being Well, Work Well
By Rea Scovill, Ph.D.
Fight-or-flight responses are reactions to danger, particularly life-threatening danger. They include: for fight, angry speech and physical or written confrontation; for flight, leaving the situation physically or through mental distancing and other forms of avoidance. They originated in early stages of human development, when life-and-death situations were frequent. At some point our fight-or-flight responses expanded from situations where our life’s at stake to situations where we just feel stressed.
This means that today, when our lives are rarely threatened, disturbing fight-or-flight impulses can occur many times a day. When we lose our keys, feel upset with another person or worry about something, our bodies may be triggered into action. A tense jaw or fist, upset stomach and racing thoughts offer nothing useful to cope with these events. In fact they interfere. For mental fitness, or even mental health, we must clearly grasp this fact.
Once we do grasp it, our brain will struggle to remember it from moment-to-moment. We may detect inner chatter that insists we can’t stand it when we lose our keys, etc. When upset with other people we might say we must have another person’s approval, or someone really deserves to be punished, or it’s unbearable when we don’t get rewarded for working hard. These extreme inner comments often trigger our fight-or-flight response. We need to learn how to stop all this by saying something like, “chill now, this is not about life or death, it’s just disappointing, annoying, hurtful, etc.” That would be the truth, and that would open us to the freedom of mental fitness. This seems so simple; why do we find it so hard?
For mental fitness you don’t need to learn the names of specific brain parts, though the brain is very interesting. You do need enough understanding to prevent frequent disruptive over-reactions. Here’s what you need to know about your brain to start. The first brain area is the frontal lobe, often called the Executive Brain. It functions as the director and manager of your being. It chose to read this article. It’s also supposed to advise the rest of your brain when fight-or-flight isn’t needed.
However, your Executive Brain can’t do this when it’s overwhelmed by your other brain parts. I call the second part the Monkey Brain because it’s similar to other mammal’s brains. It receives, processes and stores data from your senses and your Executive Brain. Its focus is to identify anything that it considers dangerous enough to require a fight-or-flight response. Once something appears threatening, it signals the third part, that I call the Crocodile brain, because it’s similar to a reptile’s brain. As it’s signaled, the Crocodile brain begins to trigger your body into action.
Your Executive Brain has to interrupt your Monkey Brain with reality checks all day long every day. Otherwise you’ll find yourself in one stage or another of fight-or-flight too often. Our next article will describe how 15-20% of us are wired to have these reactions more often and with more intensity than the rest of us. Our Executive Brain must take brain differences into account before we can relate to others with fairness and compassion.
